A Long December

"I really have no idea what's going to happen this year, but I want the Lord to lead."

This is a post that Ronnie Martin made on his band Joy Electric's website. I'd already read it once a few days ago but just went back to the site to see if there was anything new posted. Reading that particular statement again made me realize just how much it has creeped me out both times I've read it, and this time it caused me to wonder why. With all the craziness that went down this last year, and the subsequent "loss of faith" that I suffered because of it, I'm generally disinclined to think too closely about such things, but of course, my "loss of faith" is exactly why it creeps me out. I decided to be brave and actually examine my reaction, and I think I don't (or didn't) like the statement because I don't want God to lead anymore. I don't trust Him. If I let Him lead He'll make me do things I don't want to do. I think I'd be better off if I just fumbled around on my own rather than taking orders from God, who has proven Himself not to be particularly trustworthy.

Whoo, I'm a damned heretic from the sounds of it. Ha ha, well, if you can't be honest, what are you? A liar? And what's worse, being a heretic or a liar?

Ha, well, I dunno. What I just described above is the knee-jerk reaction that I've come here to examine, and perhaps accept any insight on were anyone to have any. It all goes back to the conclusion I think I've stated here many times over, and that is that God scares me. Makes me think bad thoughts, feel bad about myself, feel guilty.

Do I have any conclusions to draw from any of this? Any resolution? No, not really, at least not right now. All I can say is that, as it has several times already and yet proven false, it seems like things are getting better. The problem being, of course, that I've had to really stop caring what God thinks in order to stop stressing out so much. But then I feel better. But I really do care what God thinks. Catch 22? Sure seems like it.

Whatever the case, I feel like I'm getting closer to something, which I hope to be some sort of resolution to this unsettled, unsettling period of my life. Heck, it's a new year and I'll be twenty four in about five months. I sure as hell hope this year is better than the last.

Cameron

P.S. - I got your reply to my email way back, Dana, and I apologize for not replying to it myself. It was very helpful and insightful, and I very much appreciate it. I'll try to reply to it specifically soon. I'm not sure why I didn't initially. Perhaps because I was coming home for Christmas and assumed we'd talk then?

P.P.S. - As much as this seems like a relatively "heavy" post, I should mention that I actually feel quite good right now. Today was a good day. The sun actually came out and the sheet of gray which usually presides over our every move during the winter was reduced to a few meandering clouds in the distance. I tied up a few loose ends that I'd been putting off nearly all month, as well as hung out with Jesse briefly, eating sushi and this marvelous seven-layer dip from the Save On Foods near his house. Then he drove me home and we all had a beer while Matt and I smoked on the "porch". I could feel, too, and it felt good. It felt like life again. I'm anxious for summer.