Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Well, I just checked the time and it's almost 3:30 in the morning, and I have to get up for twelve (I know, cry me a river) for practice tomorrow. I suppose I should be getting to bed, but I felt this insatiable need to come on here and vent whatever random thoughts seem to be manifesting themselves in my brain at this particular moment.

As per the subject of this post, I've definitely had my fair share of rum for the evening, having just attended my first annual "Char's and Matt's birthday/Bella Christmas party" at the girl's place. Who knew that Rum and Sprite would taste like Ginger Ale? Anyways, I find I'm having a bit of difficulty in my typing, so if anything seems amiss here, blame it on ole Cpt. Morgan (despite that we were drinking Bacardi - blame it on Morgan, the bastard!)

So, anyway, I just finished going over the few emails I have saved in the email account I've had since I was probably fifteen (which would explain why it's the name of a band that I have no involvement in). What an eloquent little shit I was. Idealistic, too. What happened, I'd like to know? Seriously, why isn't everything so cut and dry anymore? Even when I was confused I seemed to know what I was about. Now I just don't have the first clue, any way you look at it.

Matt and I went to see "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" last night, and typically (as in, "in the past") all those references to Christ would have left me weeping like a baby and thanking Him for saving my life. Last night I came close, but somehow couldn't allow myself. This may sound cheesy, but I just feel too hard for that now. I most certainly need Christ's grace and mercy, but I just don't think I can cut it as a Christian. I'm just not good enough. I don't know how to say the right things, do the right things to please Him. I don't know. I guess I'm scared of God. I'm scared of Jesus. I'm scared of what He would require of me. It's one thing to be saved and redeemed and all that, but it's another to have things expected of me. Maybe in my idealistic youth, but not now. I might still be young, but I feel far from idealistic (despite what the survey said about me).

And these are just the ramblings of a drunken man, having consumed far too much eggnog for one evening (Simon knows what I mean when I say that). Chances are tomorrow I'll wake up and read this, regret it, and perhaps even delete it. But damn, at least for one moment I was willing to be honest with myself and the rest of the world: I'm just not good enough.

Lord have mercy.