That's all folks...

That's all I have to say right now.

The Weight of the World

***Disclaimer***

This post is pretty much a complete downer, so feel free to skip it if the sun's shining where you are.

***End disclaimer***

So I woke up this morning at about ten to twelve after hitting my snooze bar for a good fifty minutes, and just lay there for about fifteen minutes thinking. I was contemplating what seems to be the futility of my life as I currently know it. It feels like I'm trapped inside a rubber ball, or maybe a hamster ball, and no matter where I turn I find rubber/plastic and if I push on it I might roll around a bit, but ultimately I'm disconnected from the world around me. I just made that analogy up right now, so it might not hold if you examine it too closely, but whatever. Anyways, it just kind of struck me how, as of right now, I don't have a lot going on in my life. I work. And then I go home. And then I sleep. And then I get up and go back to work. And then I have days off. And then I go back to work. Routine is probably one of the slowest deaths possible, and I've only been back about three weeks!!!

I dunno, I thought I wanted to "do music", but when the music doesn't seem to be there, what can you do? I've been playing quite a bit more lately, which is good, but at the same time it's caused me to realize that whatever songs I wanted to play just aren't really there. I mean, they're there, kinda, but they're not, if you know what I mean. Uggh.

There is Bella to consider, but at this point I have absolutely no idea what's going on there. This mystery shall hopefully be resolved sometime next week when Tiff gets back from Spain, but will my questions be answered? I guess I just won't know until the time comes. I'll let you know if I figure anything out.

For the time being, however, I feel pretty... lost? Is that the right word? Bivouaced? No, that's definitely not the right word, but it's a good word. It was my word of the day one day during my grade twelve year, I think. If it's good enough for Rivers, it's good enough for me.

Anywho, at this point I figure the best thing I can do is keep on keepin' on and save as much money as I'm able. Chances are whatever's looming around the corner is going to cost money, so why not prepare for the inevitable.

Rainbows, lollilpops, butterflies, puppies, roses and daisies and so on and so forth. I just felt like I needed to throw that in there so that this post wasn't a complete bummer.

Sorry for complaining so much but sometimes you just need to let this stuff vent, you know?

Hopefully my next post will be triumphant in some form or another.

Peace.

Where to begin?

So I've been home an entire week now. Or, I suppose I should say, I've been away from home and back in Vancouver for an entire week now. The craziest thing happened when I got back, and that is that I felt hope. It's been a long freaking time since I actually felt hope. I mean, I can try to muster it up every now and then, but more or less I just feel abandoned to fate. Coming back here, however, I felt, for some indefinable reason, that this year was going to be my year. I made it through a week of work (returning to it the day after my plane got in at 11:30pm), using this sense of good things coming to fuel me. I just had two days off, which was nice, and now I'm back at work again. And the feeling seems to have abandonded me. Now, just because I don't feel it doesn't mean it's not there. Faith and logic, etc. etc. both dictate that you don't need to feel/see/hear something for it to exist, so hopefully this year will still be my year, but today is definitely not my day. I don't want to be here (work especially, Vancouver also to a lesser degree). Like I said to I'm not sure who when I was at home (I think it was Aaron), if I wanted to just work some random job for the rest of my life, I may as well come back to SK and do it there, seeing as that's where I'd rather be anyway. Aye, but therein lies the rub. I came out here in the first place so that I wouldn't have to work a random job the rest of my life. I came out here to be in a band. Maybe I'm just impatient because I don't know what's going on with that right now, seeing as one of my bandmates is in Spain and not returning until sometime next week, and she has all the details re: our pending record deal.

I dunno, I had a really good talk with Matt, and really, all of my closest friends (who are, by the way, all in SK, if not Dalmeny right now, with the exception of Yesse), and they just really encouraged me to continue pursuing my own music. And I've been pumped on that lately, which is good. It's something I'd like to do. I wrote down a couple "resolutions", if you will, as apparently things are more likely to happen if you write them down. One was to compose a setlist of my own material and perform it live sometime this year. I'm a little hesitant because it's a leap of faith of sorts. I mean, with the band you have the fact that there are all these different personalities contributing to fall back on in case people don't like it. But my stuff, well, that's different. It's ME! It's a lot more personal, and I suppose, vulnerable because of it. My friends seem to think I can do it, so maybe I should just shut myself up and sing. Maybe I have to. Because I wrote it down.

Anyways, this is basically just random venting I'm doing on my break, and I think it's working. I feel a bit better. I just want everyone back home to know that I love you, and that there's absolutely no way I would be the person I am today (or that I used to be, in a kinder, gentler time) without where I'm from and who I grew up with. I don't want to settle down in Vancouver. I'd like to come back home. And buy Dana & Zach's place (so please don't sell it until I can afford it!!!). And get a dog, and a piano, and, well, you know the rest.

Thanks guys.