A Long December

"I really have no idea what's going to happen this year, but I want the Lord to lead."

This is a post that Ronnie Martin made on his band Joy Electric's website. I'd already read it once a few days ago but just went back to the site to see if there was anything new posted. Reading that particular statement again made me realize just how much it has creeped me out both times I've read it, and this time it caused me to wonder why. With all the craziness that went down this last year, and the subsequent "loss of faith" that I suffered because of it, I'm generally disinclined to think too closely about such things, but of course, my "loss of faith" is exactly why it creeps me out. I decided to be brave and actually examine my reaction, and I think I don't (or didn't) like the statement because I don't want God to lead anymore. I don't trust Him. If I let Him lead He'll make me do things I don't want to do. I think I'd be better off if I just fumbled around on my own rather than taking orders from God, who has proven Himself not to be particularly trustworthy.

Whoo, I'm a damned heretic from the sounds of it. Ha ha, well, if you can't be honest, what are you? A liar? And what's worse, being a heretic or a liar?

Ha, well, I dunno. What I just described above is the knee-jerk reaction that I've come here to examine, and perhaps accept any insight on were anyone to have any. It all goes back to the conclusion I think I've stated here many times over, and that is that God scares me. Makes me think bad thoughts, feel bad about myself, feel guilty.

Do I have any conclusions to draw from any of this? Any resolution? No, not really, at least not right now. All I can say is that, as it has several times already and yet proven false, it seems like things are getting better. The problem being, of course, that I've had to really stop caring what God thinks in order to stop stressing out so much. But then I feel better. But I really do care what God thinks. Catch 22? Sure seems like it.

Whatever the case, I feel like I'm getting closer to something, which I hope to be some sort of resolution to this unsettled, unsettling period of my life. Heck, it's a new year and I'll be twenty four in about five months. I sure as hell hope this year is better than the last.

Cameron

P.S. - I got your reply to my email way back, Dana, and I apologize for not replying to it myself. It was very helpful and insightful, and I very much appreciate it. I'll try to reply to it specifically soon. I'm not sure why I didn't initially. Perhaps because I was coming home for Christmas and assumed we'd talk then?

P.P.S. - As much as this seems like a relatively "heavy" post, I should mention that I actually feel quite good right now. Today was a good day. The sun actually came out and the sheet of gray which usually presides over our every move during the winter was reduced to a few meandering clouds in the distance. I tied up a few loose ends that I'd been putting off nearly all month, as well as hung out with Jesse briefly, eating sushi and this marvelous seven-layer dip from the Save On Foods near his house. Then he drove me home and we all had a beer while Matt and I smoked on the "porch". I could feel, too, and it felt good. It felt like life again. I'm anxious for summer.

The Ides of March

Well, it's been at least a year and a day since I posted something new in here, so what the heck, why not? I'm currently up at the top of the mountain and there isn't much going on, so here goes.

Hmm. Now that I have your attention, do I actually have anything to say? Umm, well, Christmas was good. Let's start there.

Christmas was more than good, actually. It was amazing. It was just what I needed to see my friends and family and to have a week to do it this year (unlike last year, which was about three or four days). I spent a lot of time hanging out with my brother, which was great, although it didn't do much to help me in my quest to stop smoking (nor his, for that matter). It was also really good to see my Dad and hang around with him. Since Mom died I find that I've grown a lot closer to him, and have come to respect him so much more. He's actually a person to me now, not just a parent. But there's also something so comforting about being around my parents (well, parent, but Carol has a parent-y vibe about her). I think it's a feeling of security - like all the world can go to shit but it doesn't matter because Dad's there to protect me. I know I'm 23 and should be able to take care of myself, but that's what I do everyday and it's nice to not have to sometimes. Just sit and relax and enjoy. At any rate, I was very glad to see my family.

Speaking of family, this was Christmas #2 with the "steps" (I would call them in-laws, but that totally doesn't apply). Once again, quite an interesting experience. My dad mentions every so often how Shawn and I are so much different than Carol's kids. I suppose that makes sense, considering that we grew up in different families and environments, and it's weird to see the two worlds "collide", as it were. Bascially Shawn and I are pretty laid-back compared to Carol's kids. Christmas with the steps is a very loud experience. There's considerably more alcohol involved than I'm typically used to as well (which I'm not complaining about). Carol claims to have seen me passed out with a bunch of empties lined up beside my bed one morning, and while yes, there were empties, I was anything but passed out. It was a good night's sleep!

Coming back after Christmas was anything but inspiring. Leaving everything that I just described to come back to a city I don't like that's always gray and rainy, to a job that is seeing it's busiest days of the year. Few friends, less family, just one great big vacuum, syphoning my will to live into non-existence. Ha ha, well, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but you get the point.

Apparently Matt was feeling the same way and has decided to move home because of it. This has left us in an interesting position with the band, as I've decided to stay. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but when all's told it seems I have a lot more of a future here than I would were I to move home.

Right now we're trying to figure out whether or not we should find a replacement or make a go of it as a three piece. I think we could probably pull it off just the three of us, and this prospect is kind of exciting because I think we can go pretty far. It's just a matter of figuring out how to make it all work. Should be an interesting year.

I suppose that's all I have to say or feel like saying right now. Thanks for reading, and hopefully I'll find the time to write in here again before March.

Oh yeah, one more thing - I haven't quite mastered the art of blogging, so I'm not sure how to reply directly to people's comments, so this will have to suffice for now. Thanks to everyone that does comment, and thanks for the heads-up Steph about the CFCR play. And for Deann's benefit, the band I'm in is called Bella. Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to give us a listen at www.bellamusic.org.